Being ready.

I've always wanted to wait until I felt ready.

Every high dive jump, first kiss, job application, hard conversation moment in my life has been met with my heartbeat raging and this sinking feeling, "But wait. I'm not ready."

Life has always moved a little too fast for me, and I've always felt guilty that I couldn't keep up.  I've watched hundreds of people in my life match the pace of this world, and they seem genuinely fulfilled by the spontaneity and urgency of each passing moment. But the truth is, I think I was just meant for slower movement.

Because, you see, in my dark days, the world moves without me. The sun rises and sets, kids ride their bikes down sidewalks, people eat lunch and run errands and live their lives. On the dark days, the world does what it always does... but I cannot keep up. So I draw the shades and pull blankets over my head and close my eyes tight and beg out loud to no one in particular to please let me make it through this.

But the truth is, I don't know how I'm going to make it. And, even scarier, I don't know if I'll ever feel ready to try. But I do know that it's possible to do things before I feel ready. I know it's possible to take leaps of faith and show up and work hard and move forward, even if I'm dragging myself along one tiny millimeter at a time.

I do know that it's going to be messy and painful and probably beautiful sometimes. Most things are.

I also know that every time I write, it feels like I'm giving myself permission to feel the hard stuff. And maybe if I feel that freedom in writing, you will also feel it in reading. Because I know I have brothers and sisters all over this godforsaken Earth who are also struggling to know love under the crushing weight of this world.

But there is love is everywhere, if you can just figure out where to look. And I'm starting in my own heart.

My words are simple. They are messy and painful and probably beautiful sometimes (most things are). But they are also love letters to the darkest parts of myself, and maybe to the darkest parts of you, too.  They are confirmation of my honest belief that everyone deserves to tell their story... even me, even to a probably-empty-blogosphere.

I don't have to find perfect words and I don't have to spend hours editing and I don't have to be worried about who will read this or who won't read this.

I just have to write this love down.